Surrendering to my Bigness

Bigness is a quality that I like to describe as - Our behaviour patterns that we assume can come across as too much for others to deal with. 

Lately, life has been so much about relieving everything I had held on so tight. My sense of worthiness, the opinions others had of me, the opinions that I had about myself - all of which mostly held me back. I strived forward with all of these structures and opinions. No wonder that with everything that with everything that I did, I used to question, 'Am I doing enough?'. Because no matter what I did, I just fell short. 

But as days went by, I practised spilling outside my limits. Little by little. The cringe that I had experienced at first was quite alarming to my body's system. But as I persevered in extending these limits each day, I got used to experiencing the cringe that came with it. So much so, that cringe feels normal now. I no longer feel threatened by others' opinions of me, because I believe more in what I know about me. My life experiences are mine alone, and no one dares to comment on it, because they will never know it.

I never thought that I could ever reach a space where I could experience this level of freedom within me. But why am I dazzled at this? I intended this, and I practised every day as much as could to go beyond what I knew.

It feels so easy to write about it. But the experience felt like I was a part of a big brown sticky goop with nowhere to turn. Just feeling stuck in all directions. Not to mention the anxiety, regrets and grief of it all made it difficult sometimes to move forward. I grounded back into my energy thanks to the routine that I had curated for myself and for all of my regulation practices. It never made me feel okay at once. But it led me to feel okay eventually.

I now feel open enough to spill my guts out. Because I trust myself to take care of it. This level of intimacy with myself feels so unreal because I experienced it minimally before. But to know that all of this was a result of my efforts to show up every day no matter what, is worth each moment of bliss that I get to experience these days. Knowing that I made it on my own - also brought about an internal sense of pride and humility.

My defensive responses moved to a place of acceptance and finally to a place of bare expression. I feel that the experiences in my life led me to surrender bare to the bone, and now I do not feel afraid. Rather inspired by everything that comes up. Each opportunity is allowing me to decide the intention and direction of my next step.

Art work by Sanjana Mallya

I honestly feel like a lotus has bloomed in my heart space. And I am gonna do everything I can to learn from this experience and to take it forward. 

This experience reminded me that it will never feel the same throughout. And there will always be more to look forward to and grow through. But at this moment, I will sit back and enjoy this gorgeous fruit of intentional, emotional and energetic labour.