To be honest, I really like my life right now. I love it. I had chosen to transform for myself, and I have. The difference was, the previous transformations felt more like I had to become someone else other than myself. Except, I hadn't realized this. Choosing to transform makes us pretend a lot. It's just that we tend to have an image of ourselves that we look up to. But at the end of the day, that is what it is, just an image. Following this pretence will only push us further from what we truly are. Of course, this had its perks. I now live a more grounded and truer version of what I used to think was my 'ideal' life. And because of this, I was able to base a way of life that I like to live.
When I was younger, I wasn't a person I could be proud of. I wasn't a nice person to be around. I know I cannot change my actions from the past. However, I seem to have reached a place where I can be compassionate and forgive that version of me. Life experiences and especially last year taught me so much. I became aware of how conditionally I was living (surviving, rather), that I learned to get in touch with my emotions and tried to understand what they're trying to tell me.
I practised being aware of myself within, throughout the day. This was very tough in the beginning. However, now that I have crossed the beginning, I realize how many unwanted assumptions/ thoughts I would engage with every day. All of this taught me to be more loving about my own life and understand that although one can do ANYTHING, recognize there still some limitations under the guise of (situational) experiences that are out of our control. One learns to grow through this, one step at a time. There is still such a long way to go, and I am still learning every day. This taught me to live and love with my entire being. Simple pleasures of everyday, learning to be more aware and responsive to all kinds of feelings and emotions. Finally learning to truly appreciate the moment and my life for what it is and not what it could be instead. Even more so, for the first time in my life I experienced what unconditional love for someone or something feels like.
Now that I don't have an image to look up to, I simply love following my instincts to lead me to make decisions for most aspects of my life. I feel like I have a team within me. Taking care of me, loving me, encouraging me. Being on my own feels like liberation now. For, my life feels like it truly is me! In fact, I cherish my space. It feels like taking a stroll on a warm, sun-soaked winter afternoon. This joy feels so inexplicable that all I can afford to do is be grateful. The more I'm going through my life, the more I want to be me. For, I truly feel so appreciative of it.
I no longer need to prove my worth even to myself. I have proved even to myself, way more times than what I need to. And I truly like this lot. Of course, being a human does get you to the point of 'Oh if only this or that happened' I would (think) be way happier. But to be really honest, my 'this or that' has already happened to me many times. And I learned that eventually getting used to it, loses out its novelty. Maybe this is why one is always looking out for 'something better'. Not realizing that they are living the life that dreamed of right now.
'The grass is green right where you are nurturing it'
Being appreciative of how far I have come compared to where I was, recognizing and accepting those emotions that can never truly be understood and speaking up has helped me tremendously. I used to imagine my idyllic happily ever after as a future event, not (now) realizing that I have always been living it at this very moment! :)
PS: Today felt so gorgeous. Warm afternoon winter sun, bright sunshine, chirping birds, and gentle breeze. Yes, inexplicable! :D
Not sure how much of this post would make sense to anyone, but as usual, I simply let myself tap away at the keyboard. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere within me, writing this meant a lot to me.
