How Much Do We Allow Our Selfs to be Expressed?

Why do we hold back? Is it about repeating an upsetting past outcome? Or is it because this is where we think that we end?

Have you given it a shot? Just saying what you want to, and doing what you feel like? To move into and with the energy of your life force.

Most importantly how much do we allow in? Do we just accept things at the face value? Or can we consider that, that there is something beyond what we can perceive in a given moment? That maybe if we just wait for a moment - the thing beyond comprehension can reveal itself to us?

The more I'm surrendering to the flow, the more I can see that life just amazes me. The more that I allow my precious moments to express themselves in the way it does, I can feel immense clarity and centred in my being. Where I'm no longer living in the old story because I am allowing it to evolve with me.

Today showed me that for once if I just surrender to the moment and allow life to take me where it does, it will keep its promise and immerse me with joy. I don't want to be afraid of myself or my life trajectory anymore. Many times I see that I am comparing myself with my peers - Maybe everyone's life trajectory and timeline is just different?

The way that my life has unfolded in the past, I realize that I have always been led to the things that I truly and deeply love. Even if it is rare, even if others do not know of it. I want to reach the highest and widest that I can energetically go and still keep expanding. I want to explore - the cracks and the crevices and see what magic lies within it. And lately, I have been on a Rezendevous with the Universe. It just keeps revealing and I just keep experiencing so much love - that sometimes it gets overwhelming to believe that I am deserving of this. 

Even amid everything that tells you this is all there is - there will always be an expanse of energy and space that is just for you. Today this park - it was for me, my oasis. The silence and time spent with the birds and squirrels - just looking around and soaking in all the pleasure that nature provided me with, at the moment - on a pleasant winter morning. Never thought something as simple as this would make me so happy!!! But it did. And I will always cherish it! 

A Fierce Experience of Self-Love

I'm feeling a fierce sense of self-love right now, y'know? I suddenly feel like any and every part of me that I might have overlooked suddenly feels like it's allowed to exist, to bloom, to be seen, to be held and to be expressed WIDE OPEN! I don't know what it is, but I should have NEVER taken 'NO' for an answer in my past experiences when it came to me.

A child's early development years are so tricky. There is only so much a child can perceive at this age. Child development is quite the responsibility of the primary caregivers. Their actions are insinuated personally by the children because the latter think that the whole world is about them. Until they grow older and see otherwise.

I wish I could have been there for the little me who didn't know what to make of the responses in her environment. I wish I could have been there to help her make sense. But now that I am here, I just want to give her the world. To show her that she is what truly matters and that she is - and will always be a good person.

It is so relieving to know all my actions, behaviours and responses have been a result of my upbringing and primary conditioning. It is also relieving to know now that I am aware of this - I can create a beautiful, loving life for myself - with me as the centre of my universe - who connects with others in her evolving capacity. 

I also have started receiving an inner guidance lately - to move around without a destination in mind. This feels playful and explorative, fills me up with curiosity and guides my day intuitively. It feels good to be connected to the universe from moment to moment. In any case, it's my belief and doesn't need to make sense to another. But then again, what even does?

I am just so happy, that today I got to experience this fierce sense of self-love from within. I truly wish to be connected with this expansive energy from here on. 

Who Are We, When We No Longer Identify Ourselves with our Suffering?

We are free. When I am no longer identifying with my suffering (with my circumstance, the capacity of my being and my sense of self), it means that I have a choice - to become someone who is outside my suffering - my relief. It means that I get to become my safe haven and my sense of relief.

It means that I relieve myself from all those aspects that I thought were in my control - to just focus on what I can control in my day. In the next minute - in the next hour or set up something for the next day. It means that there is nothing but a vast expanse of choices and decisions that I can take one day at a time. These shifts always feel minute and un-glorious. I have begun to believe that conscious change is never sudden. It is one day at a time, and a conviction to follow through.

Maybe the trait of needing to identify ourselves as something to belong to a larger group is primal to our human nature. It is a survival mechanism. Suffering might be self-inflicted or conditioned. But the awareness of knowing that we have the choice to no longer identify with it is a ticket to shifting perspectives. And this is a conscious choice to become all that we have ever dreamt of being. Which means all there is - is perspective. 

You know this is the first time in my life that despite clearly knowing what I like doing, what I like pursuing and intangibly feeling the inner shifts for myself - I do not have the slightest idea of what is gonna happen next. If anything, this phase connected me to my raw and true life essence. And that is what feels relieving about this. That there is so much that I can still keep improving upon - and I have my life's journey to explore this. For the first time, I also know where I am at is more than enough. Despite all of my imperfections and inadequacies, I will ALWAYS still be enough. There is no punishment for not being perfect or being a certain way. The reward is, and always will be our authentic self-expression. 

Maybe this sense of aliveness that I had written about in a previous post conflicts with the embodiment of identities that humans have adopted for belongingness. This means that all there is to create that sense of aliveness within, and everything that is seen outside is just a reflection of what lies within. So it is all about a decided, comprehensive energy shift. And more exploration for the next post. 

On Working with our Brain

Circumstances are neutral. A is never equal to B. When we go into the unknowns, A can be equal to W or B can be equal to Q456. Nothing absolutely makes sense in the scale that we are.

As humans, we are so afraid to feel the emotions that feel negative. In my life experience, I have noticed so many times where I have diverted my mind to NOT feel a certain painful experience, thereby simply bypassing this energetic alchemy that turns my pain into something constructive.

I believe in the quote that says 'The only way out, is through'. When we focus on going through the painful experience we can learn and grow from this. Intentionally, it's about being open to experiencing our fears, disappointments, sadness, shame, and guilt and knowing that despite these emotions running through us - doesn't directly MEAN anything about us. It is just our brain perceiving us through a society. Rather all of this means that we are experiencing a difficult emotion and we need to learn to be with it.

One of the ways that I practise doing this - not making a circumstance mean anything to me. Rather I'm learning to make it mean that something didn't work in the process. And then to explore the circumstance through a new lens so I can take forward constructively.

Lately, I noticed that my brain was not saying good things about me. I started perceiving circumstances by judging myself through the lens of other people. I realized that what I think other people think about me - is still MY judgement and not theirs. So I have begun a few practices that are helping me clear out my thought process.

1 - When I listen to my brain criticizing me - I have been saying out loud - 'NO!', or 'I don't believe you, you are a fabrication', or I simply challenge the thought or belief. More often than not, I have noticed that when I do not give in to its (sometimes cruel) ideas, it loses its power over me.

2 - Noticing where my thoughts are coming from. For instance, sometimes it would be a passive-aggressive mind commentary when someone asks me to do something. For this, I noticed I could be clearly communicating that I did not want to do the thing. Or sometimes my brain would make it mean that others are way ahead of me. For this, I reassured my brain that everyone has their own path and there is NEVER a reason to compare my life with others. Especially others' happiness that means nothing about me.

3 - Speaking grounding statements out loud.

• I believe that I can do this 
• Nothing is beyond my reach
• All I need to do is recognize and remove the unseen barriers in me that stop me from living out my vision
• I am more than my circumstances and what my limited mind thinks of it
• I focus on my vision and I un-become and reveal
• All I want to do is live my fullest, liveliest and lightest self
• I owe myself the whole darn world because I know that I am the universe's child - just like everyone else
• No one is greater or lesser - everyone is at the eye level
• I love my life-centered way of living
• All I am focused on - is removing all that I am NOT and navigating the unseen waters
• I know I can do this because I have done this before

These grounding statements are SO POWERFUL when it comes from your own heart. 

These practices have helped me re-assess the intentions of my thoughts. Intentionally shifting what is natural and habitual is a little demanding. But making the effort knowing that this can create a loving and long-lasting change matters to me. Internally it matters so much that I am a good person and I am respectful in my own eyes. And be proud of me. That's the kind of person that I want to be. And I know I will create this wonderful change within me. 

On Disengagement with the 'I' or the Perceived Sense of Self

There is no 'me'. Just a sense of aliveness, a life force energy.  Biologically, it's similar to how plants and animals feel pain or nourishment because THEY'RE ALIVE. Not because they identify with a certain sense of 'I'.

Identification with the 'I' is just a biological pattern - just like all of our other habits and processes. We perceive our sense of self from the world around us. Our brain keeps playing out our repeated patterns and we become habituated to this. Conversely, when we are aware of this, we learn to interact with others in such a way with others to be perceived in our ideal way.

Maybe that's what it is. Our world is a reflection of our biological patterns - of life. When we stop identifying or labelling a circumstance or any object in our environment - it immediately becomes something that carries an expansive, open, and liberating energy which freely exists. A realm of anything. 

When we remind ourselves that our perception is just another pattern - a neurological connection that can be changed at any given moment and cultivated further - we can change our life trajectories. 

Sense of Pure Awareness

Today's wisdom was 'Awareness'. This wisdom sprung out while I was pursuing my open-eye meditation. On a side note, this practice has been a life changer btw. It taught how we are constantly attaching meaning to anything and everything, and connecting the dots where it is not even necessary. 

Awareness is the pure quality of no story, dissipation, or expansiveness. It is a space of good faith and belief in the unknown. A possibility that anything can happen. And most importantly - allowing things to just be - without placing a label on them. 

Sometimes we focus too much on what we know - thinking that it's all there is to our existence. Putting our attention back on the paper reminds us to put our energy back on what we can believe, control and work towards - without having to keep identifying with it. Sometimes it opens up a range of possibilities that we didn't know even existed, but we have known it's what we have longed for all along. 

  Source: @sistercody on Instagram

'These little circles are thoughts and feelings. And this white paper is awareness. Sometimes we give so much attention to certain thoughts and feelings, that it feels like the only reality that exists. But we can remember to let go and zoom out. Putting our attention on the white paper. These circles couldn't exist without this paper. But this paper can exist without the circles.' 

When we are constantly focusing on a story - the impulses, fears, and interpretations stem from it. This is a contracting quality. Where we are figuring out the unknown with our monkey mind. The brain cannot comprehend the unknown. It can only comprehend patterns from our past experiences. So at any point, we are figuring things out through a process through an old story, we are dissecting the knowns. There is no technique that can figure out the unknowns, even through our past experiences. 

But when we focus on the awareness, the white paper - the energy really opens up. It moves us to a place of, although unknown, through a place of possibilities. Because there is always a limit to what we know. There's always more of what we don't. 

A few things happened today that made me believe that there is so much to our stories. Sometimes we are just forced to go towards whatever we want - in complete trust and utter belief in our doubts. Let our doubts say what they have to - but we are going to listen to our voice of strength and just keep going at it. 

The Grey Area of Navigating our Life

I have learned that we are constantly trying to make meaning of our circumstances. To perceive something the neurons in our brains need to connect, and this requires energy. It is so exhausting that from the minute we wake up to the time we sleep we are using so much of our brain energy to keep making finite meanings of what we do not understand. This is not a blame, but rather a responsibility that our humanity needs to be aware of.

Unfortunately, when we make sense of things through the brain's limited understanding of the comprehensive reality, we shrink our capacity to go beyond what we know. As humans, we are a living paradox. Because we are a soul living in a body. As much as the capacity of our soul is infinite and expansive, our body is limited to the ground - to our surroundings. We live our lives through patterns. But it is on us, to not always depend on these patterns. To reach different phases in our lives, we need to become different versions of ourselves. Especially when it is uncomfortable. Because discomfort means that the growth is in progress.

Routine can be draining. With our brain's capacity to love familiarity as well as evolve with newness - we are again living a paradox in a routine. Routine helps when it is switched up with variety. We interpret ourselves as a set of qualities. Never caring to look beyond it. "Oh, I am an introvert. I could never go out" or "I don't like being around other people". But what if you did something that was exactly opposite of what you believed you were, and ended up liking it?

I have seen that many a time to admit something like this is a matter of pride to many people. They can never let go of their predetermined sense of self - because then 'how would other people respond to this change'. It can be scary. But I have also seen those who are humble enough to admit that 'I never thought I would like this, I never thought it would be possible. Let me go check out other things that I have never tried out!' Isn't it wonderful to be a part of an opening process, where they are learning to become someone that they never thought they would ever be? It opens up a realm of possibilities for the person to explore and discover more about themselves.

Predictability is important to us, humans. It feels like we have control over things. I did too. But reality has a way of teaching us that nothing really will ever be in our control. In fact, trying to control the things that are outside our zone of control becomes an emotional and energetic burden that can eventually impact our mental and physical health.

Your energy is so precious. When you start being considerate of where you channel it, you realize that it should never be given away freely. Even in terms of whether something needs a response or not - it is important to choose. Responding to anything requires energy. Choose where you expend your energy wisely.

By predicting a circumstance's future we are again shrinking our possibilities - we are not allowing the space for life to surprise us! We can never predict the future. A similar circumstance can have different outcomes. There are so many networks at play that we would be unable to comprehend this.

No two circumstances are ever the same. The context and perception change from person to person. No two people can have the same lived experience. Only the person in hand knows their internal experience. Therefore it is unfair to assume others' points of view. And just accept what they have to say at the surface level.

Today I learned that it is important for me to fully comprehend and accept my presence. There are limitations to every context. And to always believe in YOUR experience. Do not allow others to reduce your experience through their opinion of you. You have your patterns because it was needed at some point in your life. As long as you are aware of your responses and act on them appropriately these patterns can never overpower your relationships or your life. In fact, it only nourishes your sense of integrity.

To become a better human being through my experience, I have decided to become a person who is courageous enough to be gentle. To believe in what I have to say, even when the whole world is against me. To listen to what others have to say and yet know that their opinion of me is a projection of themselves, and to not take things so personally. To remember that people can behave however they want, but that doesn't say anything about me. I define my choices, changes and improvement. I am an imperfect and flawed human being and do not deserve the disrespect that is freely thrown at me. I do not accept it, and I do not care enough to respond. And I respect myself enough to walk away from these scenarios. 

On Reflections

Taking a step back, and watching your life through a wider lens. Have you ever tried that? There's this part of my routine where at the end of my day I look back on the events of my day. It allows me to go through the moments I experienced on that day. 

When I am noting down moments from the beginning, I realize that for each action - the attitude and intention with which I do is so important. It brings me so much delight to really follow through with each activity that I said I would do. Nowadays, I am prioritizing being, more than the doing. Because 'doing' focuses on the quantity, and 'being' focuses on the quality of our presence in each moment. Today was one such day. 

"In silence and movement, you can show the reflection of people" 

It is a weekday. I realized that you enjoy life so much more when you're just taking a step back and enjoying it. I was waiting for my sister to pick me up from the store, where she had gotten delayed. So I found a place to sit in the shade, I simply watched everything going all around me. In fact, I even journalled for half an hour. I noticed that everyone and everything is so temporary and always on the move. Do we really take a minute to sit back and do nothing for a while? If you haven't, try it. It relieves you from all the exhausting and expected doing. Something that tells you to 'Just be here'. It gets us closer to our senses. Isn't that what our body is for? To make use of our senses. It's always good to go outside and minimize whatever we obsess on. Just experiencing life. Going out - soaking into the environment, enjoying my music, and making use of my body. 

I feel like I have reached a part in my life where even the most mundane things are so pleasurable, I look forward to doing it and completing it well. Because pursuing it really grounds me into my being. Workouts, journalling, washing dishes especially, and most importantly to keep patience with others. I realized that one day, the very thing that annoys me about others, is the same thing that I am gonna miss when they are no longer around. I don't mean the extreme stuff. But the day-to-day banter that can sometimes end up taking a big hurtful space in our hearts. The sounds they make, the things they keep telling us, their habits that might not be to our liking - whatever it may be.

Why do we constantly have to keep labelling everything? I have decided to give my brain a break from this. This has been saving so much of my energy! Looking at what just is. Sometimes your environment and inner energy itself make the change for you. So, stick with it. Just do. Everyone is so excited to experience the roller coasters and the horror house. Have you actually sat down to listen to the stillness sometimes? It's just so comforting. Not having to be in a constant pursuit of something.

"Self-reflection is a humbling process. It's essential to find out why you think, say, and do certain things - then better yourself."

Reflection journalling shows me where I was, where I am, and the possible next steps in my path. It reminds me of my persistence despite the odds. It reminds me why I started and to be flexible in my approach. It shows me all the places where I can still improve upon myself, provides me possible creative directions, and most importantly that it matters to me that I am a good person in my own perception. It has been my truest teacher. It taught me to trust my inner wisdom, to work on qualities that I deem important and to be a person with their authentic integrity. 

Perceptions & Your Reality

I tend to receive my everyday wisdom during my morning workout & meditation time. Today's wisdom was to - 'Embody your Expansiveness'. This one was so obvious to me. However, it didn't seem obvious until I received it.

You know how everything out there is neutral, and it is our senses that are perceiving everything? Similarly, this wisdom suddenly opened up to me, a universe of possibilities. It feels like anything can happen. That I needn't know the what or how of things. Rather I can purely focus on how everything feels to me.

Spaciousness and expansiveness are the two qualities that I have been meaning to embody for quite some time but didn't know how. But once this wisdom came around, it's all I can see. A view out in the open, my life in a wider context and most importantly embodying a sense of capacious empathy for us as humans.

I have always believed that being human is difficult. Especially when we are a living paradox perceiving our world through multiple (limited and infinite) senses. But now, I feel so gracious and elated to be alive, AND to be human. To experience the bigness and fullness of all of our complex emotions and not be afraid of it. At this moment it feels so easy to say all this, so I am. But I am truly too excited and eager to experience this sense of wholesome wisdom I experienced today. I can't wait to experience the evolution it brings about in me! 

The Illusion of Our Beliefs

We cling to our stories so much. Because it feels like it validates life's path somehow. We depend on our stories to gauge our self-concept - our righteousness. But with our stories, we just limit ourselves. We define our identities with it. Maybe it's that, without it, we just don't know who we are. But then, what if the stories we keep telling ourselves cease to exist?

What then, do we make of ourselves? "I used to say 'XYZ' - but 'PQR' is happening right now." Our beliefs, they challenge us. They show up to humble us. Nothing that we hold so steadfast as our story can remain true forever. That what we have been carrying is false. 

All of this is probably some way of making sense of existence. "You are here for a purpose". "What is meant for you will never pass by you". "Fall down seven times, stand up eight".  These are the stories we keep telling ourselves - to keep going, to keep figuring it out. In that way, I think that as a collective, we humans are brave. Somehow innately knowing that there is no point in our existence - we make up stories to keep moving ahead. But what disturbs me is that if everything that we tell ourselves and each other is make-believe, then why should we fight over these differences in beliefs? 

The stories we tell others don't matter as much as the stories we keep perceiving in our minds. Our whole life is based on the interpretation of these stories. These stories highly reveal our sense of self - our superiority complexes, our sense of entitlement, our victim mindset, and the most cruel one - the critical mind. Our critical mind is constantly perceiving us through our primal conditioning. It is the seat of our 'moral conscience'. I believe that this conditioning is extreme on the critical spectrum and is absolutist. It always needs a final say, and to be right.  

When self-awareness comes into the picture - our mind starts navigating the grey area. It starts analysing a spectrum of possibilities and allows us to hold multiple truths at once. This kind of self-reflection can be intimidating in the beginning. But practising this makes one more humble, open, grounded, vulnerable, strong, and most importantly - compassionate. 

Our beliefs can be considered as temporary checkpoints. But not something that is set in stone. The more we allow ourselves or our circumstances to challenge our beliefs, the more we learn that there is very little that is truly in control. Imagine all the things that we have been trying to control? It's exhausting! The more we are able to let go of what we know, the more we can create space to allow in expansive, intrinsic wisdom that might even contradict what we believe in. 

I FEEL GREAT! Some Heartfelt Gratitude!

I am feeling so expansive you know? Like a million possibilities can exist right now! Self-exploration allows us to discover so many parts of us that we didn't even know we could be. I have read a lot - that the True Self can only be revealed to you. But what if you see a new quality in someone and decide to embody it within you? I believe that the true self can also be hand-picked and cultivated.

The place where you are and the place you want to be requires different versions of you. If you want to be there - you have to allow yourself to first BECOME that person who is ready to hold that reality.

Life is so expansive, and this realization has just humbled me. Yet we know only a microcosm of what is happening. We think we know a lot about world affairs. But we only know that which is portrayed by the media. You can know or speak of anything unless you have experienced them yourself. If you do, it is just an opinion based on a politically curated account.

The only thing that can shut a critical mind down - is action. Our mind makes all possibilities so big and beyond us, when in actuality its action will take less than a minute to start. I realize that the critical mind has a lot to say. But what if you tell it this - 'Okay, you say this. But I am not gonna believe you. I am gonna believe this instead'. The voice immediately loses its power over the belief. Try this!

I like to think that the critical mind is just a concerned mind. Our brains are developed to live in the present moment. Our physical bodies and our senses are completely anchored to our environment, in our present. It provides information about what it has experienced in the past. Instead of blaming it, why not open it up to new possibilities. Show your concerned mind that it can trust you. The only time you fail is when you no longer try.

I am feeling joyful today. I feel like I have begun to look forward to things again. I have faith in me, and I see the passion so fiery and alive in me. So why should I give up? Others will always have something to say when they don't even know your trials. So I have decided that no matter where I am or what I am doing - I will never stop focussing on the big picture. Yes, things are gonna be hard sometimes, and I'll not know what to do. But this has been the biggest trial in your life - And you are navigating this so well! I am so proud of you, and I love you. And I love who you have prospered into because of this. :)

I love the mess, I love the raw, I love the process of becoming because I have committed to it! 

Energy of all that there is, and so much more!

Recently I visited Kerala with my friend- Kochi, Allepey and Munnar. With a lot of things personally going on in my life that I perceive as struggles, I didn't have the energy to note down an itinerary that could match our interests. In fact, it wasn't until I reached the security check at Mumbai Airport did I fully comprehended that I was going on a trip. My packing was completed perfectly by the previous night. And the only thing I bought for the vacation was a summer hat. And quite a splendid one at that! 

The pre-sunrise view at Alleppey backwaters

Honestly, I didn't know what to look forward to on the trip. Because I had nothing prepared. At our first stop in Kochi, we stayed at my grand aunt's place. It was a relief - in terms of transport convenience, meeting up with relatives and was economical. 

Outside the Mattancherry Palace Museum. It beheld such a beautiful background for touristy photos such as the one above! :D

On the first day, we borrowed my aunt's scooty - and we got to explore the bylanes of Fort Kochi. We roamed around at our own pace and somehow covered many spots of our shared interests. We also visited the beach and the road that is surrounded by water on either side. My most real pleasure in Kochi - was simply walking along the backroads of the beach - and simply experiencing the historic town as it was. Yes :) 

I was told that these are government villas. Wow or what??!

At Allepey, the boat ride provided me with an inexplicable experience. The two-hour boat ride provided different views at few meter transects. A sundowner that turned into a thunderstorm. The open waters offered an infinite horizon of lush landscape and stillness. For me, this widened my internal energy and I was truly grounded in this experience. It was a first, where I allowed myself to fully experience a storm (literal and figurative) and I just felt so brave!! The morning kayaking was wonderful and heartful, and tiring but gleeful! I was just so happy all throughout it! 

The delightful boatride! 

            

                                          

Unfortunately, I didn't have access to my camera during kayaking (Used my friend's phone camera here). But the beautiful scenes are etched into my memory, never to be forgotten! 

The trip to reach Munnar was uphill, swirly and adventurous! The carpet-like lush green tea hills and the sholas were quite the sight. I have never experienced nature up close and personal like this. Its mightiness made me realize the minuteness of everything we deem important - including our sense of self. The sights that I beheld were indescribable because they were unbelievable. God in their creation knew what they were doing! Even the management of the national parks and the city tourism have been meticulously operated.

Cameras could probably never capture the magnitude of its landscape. All I could do was close my eyes and soak into each scenic experience with tonnes of gratitude - that I was blessed with the opportunity to do this :)

I never thought I needed this trip until it began. I felt like everything that happened on the trip, happened for me. Each terrain and culture was so diverse and heart-filling. The food, the extra-cheesy, touristy photos, the natural experience, the day-to-day decisions on the trip. Everything. More than the destinations - it was the in-betweens that inspired me massively. 

I don't think I'll be able to put this trip's experience into words. As and when I do receive the vocabulary for it, the edit button is always there to help me out! :)