Transcending 'Me'

The year I had decided to confront myself taught me so much about my own self, that I didn't even know. One of the biggest realizations was that up to this point of confrontation, I was simply performing. A survival mechanism that I adapted to excel with my outward ambitions and exhibit my 'personality' type.

One amazing thing that I discovered was that I was at any point in time, embodying varying versions of myself. The responses were brought out by different situations and/or people. I also recognized many patterns and traits from my past versions that helped me cope through difficulties in life. What amazed me was that I still go back to it time and again. This is what I have come to believe as my sacred ground. 

Another thing that I learned is that I literally become what I choose to surround myself with. Our thoughts are like record tapes, that keep playing our definite perspectives about our situation over and over again. When the Covid Pandemic struck, we all were confined to our own homes. And because of the time it was taking to change any aspect of my life, everyday felt same, and I thought this was my end. I was at the cusp of my career: post graduating and looking for a job I would like to work at. It was at this time, that I started to do things I love. I created a routine for myself where I got to learning, exploring, writing, reading and experimenting with different aspects of my interests and precise my career niche. While I did this, new patterns of thinking emerged which I am able to relate with everything I do. 

I learned to validate whatever it is I am feeling at any given moment: Usually it is said to count ones' blessings and to acknowledge our privileges. And everytime I felt bad about something, I brushed it off with the usual 'There are so many more people out there who are going through situations that might be worse than what I am going through. This is nothing'. But then while I did this, I recognized that I was neglecting my emotions, all so very human, by this comparison. Which was very unfair to me. So no matter where it is that I am in life, I let go feeling a certain way because 'I am supposed to'. Rather, I allowed and acknowledged what I felt at any given moment and it just disappeared. 

This practise taught me to be compassionate with myself. Which is if at any point I wanted to measure anything in regards to different aspects of my life, I would simply select reference points from my past to gauge what I was then and what I am now and with which aspects of it I felt most myself with. 

Through this time many books I read helped me out. I came to believe that it is always the books that choose you. I carefully selected the ones I wanted to engage with. In the sense, most of these were not a set of instructions to lead an idyllic life, rather were unlabelled perspectives that helped me pick up traits to work through to my imperfect, yet fulfilling life. This led me to really embody whoever it is that I am. I no longer characterize myself with personalities or outward identities, rather I just let myself simply be - the liberated spirit within me. 

Anyone you come across is able to engage with you at their level of consciousness. I learned to reign my emotions and let everything external off my hook. All of this however, is a continued practise and I believe might never truly end. 

I realized that we are all nothing but a small period living in the infiteness of existence, and learning this taught me to truly treasure life for what it is right now, at this very moment. For it is all we have. 

All things Real & Inexplicable

Many times I don't understand how to put into words, these overwhelming emotions based off of admiration and adoration that I particularly feel towards this beautiful existence we call Life. I don't really know how I come across to a third person. But all I know is this, I would LOVE to share all of the experiences that I am going through on a day to day basis. 

It all began with the realization that we (read: existence) are nothing but living specks of mere dust contextual to the expansive scale of the universe. Despite the minuscule scale, what fascinated me further was the details of all things, the heights and views from the mountains, the strength of the ants or mating in bacteria even. The complexity and synergy among all these diverse scales just clicked in me one fine day and I realized how precious it is to even exist. I am regularly overcome with these thoughts of graciousness and all I can do is humbly say 'Thank You' for whatever it is that brought about this intricate existence into being. 

'How rare and beautiful it is to even exist'

A lot of times, I get the inspiration to write out these feelings, but these seem to be so inexplicable that language itself becomes a limitation for this expression. Sometimes I think of how the first humans came into being, and how they manoeuvred through their day to day lives, comprehending what it takes to survive thereby forming social communities; and eventually larger societies, kingdoms and civilizations. And how these civilizations themselves became identities for the regions they were based in and how they all began associating with one another through trade (sea and land routes) which resulted in sharing cultures (read: globalization). Our personal existence and our surroundings is a tangibility of this. There is no specificity as to where come from, for we all are derivatives of common ancestors. 

Somehow, all of this just connects with one another, variating and syncing through geographies and cultures, although sometimes at the grassroots level it feels as though it is all there is to it. It could be the social structures, the food prepared, the regional consciousness, the physical characteristics of humans, the genre of books written at specific time periods and social views and the manifestation of the built forms even. These socially built systems were conducive to preferable results, which are mostly accepted by society as a whole (local/ global or both). Based on this, some values were further created that an individual was expected to meet if one is still to be a part of the society.

Every era seems to have some form of value that pushes humanity to the next level of spiritual consciousness. I firmly believe that right now our existence has got to do so much with slowing down our habitual mode of just surviving and moving to the phase where we have no option but to face who it is that we really are and really experience this fragile beauty called life. 

Sometimes I think of how our bodies were made, and the senses that allow us to experience all the wonderful things in life. To taste new flavours, to hear bird songs, to challenge our mobility or even express our deepest emotions through rhythmic movements. Then, I look at rocks and wonder how many million years old they could be, all this possible through my education years. 

Another thing that specifically amazes me is the advancement of humankind itself. Aeroplanes, literature, organ transplantation, space travel, architecture and music even. I have to say though, the best of these qualities I consider most human, is the ability to be honest with oneself,  empathy towards another for we'll never know what the other feels and to consider humour in situations wherever possible. We exist as a whole, and it is not fair to us, to carry the burden of existence on our own self, especially when there is no purpose to existence. 

The world has always existed, and we are simply here for a brief time. It is so fascinating to know that there's so much that we'll never know. And what are the evolutionary processes that have not been comprehended by us yet. There is so much history to earth. We learn that it has so much history than just social cultures. There so many plants and animals and so many other systems that we all live in sync with one another. So many species, how they adapt to changes over varying geographies and climates, seas, lakes, rivers, mountains and forests.

Yet somehow, it works, and it is yet another day. Someone invented books, someone invented the microwave, bread and all of its fragrance, wheels, music, beds, and we learn that there is always a solution (or a new invention).  All of this was brought about by people known and unknown. Everything is still changing, moving, dynamic, and in so much chaos, yet this somehow now feels divinely orchestrated. Everything that is existing all in stillness and yet in harmony. The smallest actions are ripples that are simply making waves. It's all science: physics, biology, chemistry; it's all a mystery - the things we don't know that we don't know.

I mean I think I was able to express a gist of what I feel. Yet somehow I don't think I have even begun. Like I said, it's all ever-evolving and that I hope to someday. 

Why I do, what I Do

Because it brings me inner joy and satisfaction. 

Because I like doing it. 

Because I resonate with it at an inexplicable level. 

Because the thing itself understands me somehow. 

Because it exhilarates me. 

Because it makes me feel so much more like me. 

Because I didn't know I was looking for it, it found me somehow. 

Because I connected with it and it turned out to be even more wonderful than what I had initially set out looking for. 

Because it comes naturally. 

Because I look forward to doing it, even if sometimes it becomes mundane due to routine. 

Because it is me. Because time is ever-evolving and so am I. Because it caught my attention. 

Because even though I may be 'bad' at it, I enjoy doing it anyway because it brings me so much glee.

 Because I love to listen to me. 

Because it comes easily to me. 

Because despite all the years that have passed, it is my primal source of comfort, and I seem to keep going back to it, time and again. 

Because it soothes me. 

Because it reveals myself to me. 

Because it allows me to be me and ever more than I could ever be. 

Just. 

Because it knows me. 

Because I don't have to explain myself while I am at it. 

Because I felt like it. 

Because I picked up this trait from a kind stranger. 

Because, despite whatever it is that I might be going through at the moment, I know it is with me.

 Because whatever it is, all it needs is practise and the will to do it. 

Because time and again, it is there for me. 

Because I get to experience something new. 

Because I know my capabilities. 

Because now I know this option exists. 

Because it releases stored emotions that I no longer need.

All of it and most importantly, because I want to.