Comprehending Our Sense of Consciousness

Our Consciousness primarily has 3 minds: The primal or feral mind, the conscious mind, and pure consciousness.

• The Primal or the Feral Mind: These are the senses that drive our survival instincts or behaviours. We have received this from our ancestors. It is also termed as 'feral' because the qualities of this mind were also used by our ancestors. And many of its sensations were used to protect themselves in the wild. So many of its responses are still dominant in us today. Fear of abandonment, the fight for survival, creativity and resourcefulness amongst others.

This mind can also be termed as our Inner Child or the Inner Self. This mind of ours is naive. It takes our circumstances personally and believes that the world revolves around them. It jumps to conclusions. It is also termed as the Monkey Brain. This is because once a topic is held in mind - there is a possibility that it can lead to a spiralling, which is sometimes not preferable. A lot of conscious behaviours and coping mechanisms also stem from the unconditional love that we carry for this part of us. A way of protection. A way of loving, and self-expression.

This mind depends on habituation and automatic mode. So many of our past neurological patterns stem through our behaviours. It operates from the place of known. Once you add your preferred system into your everyday behaviours - it becomes a part of who you are.

• The Conscious Mind: This is our thinking mind, our intellectual mind. We use this mind to navigate life. It can lead us creatively. The more we experience life - meet people, have conversations, read books and explore - the more our intellectual minds become refined. It is the mind that is deliberate and intentional. It can pivot our mindset through practising the pause, and stillness - before responses. This is a crucial energy that can help us navigate towards our vision with focus. This operates from a place of trust. It is intense and powerful. Wherever this energy is channelled, life blooms there.

• Pure Consciousness: This is our natural self. It is pure awareness. It is the mind without the stories. It is the mind beyond the stories. Being aware of this energy - reminds us that there lies something more and BEYOND our sense of perception. This operates from a place of surrender. Communicating from this space puts one in the space of being, rather than from a space of 'supposed'.

In addition to these, we also have an Intuitive Mind. It is receptive in nature. It is present in the background of our internal self. Something similar to the likes of the 'Spidey Senses'. However, this is not just specified to alarm or caution us. These senses also provide us divine guidance, as our life's journey unfolds from moment to moment. Where whatever we have learned or experienced, is amalgamated. A creative force emerges here. It is a sparkle of guidance. It twinkles energetically, and our conscious mind converts it into intellectual guidance so we can grasp it easily.

* A Side Note: These viewpoints are purely my own. I like the idea of exploring my awareness. These concepts have stemmed from playing with the ideas in my mind. 

The Compulsive Need to be Right

Where does this stem from? We swear that when we follow a certain way of doing things, and it totally works for us, it should work for others too. That our way of doing things should be adopted by others too. But, probably not.  We are wired inherently different from one another. Each of our neurological networks is so complex and distinctive - based on our past conditioning, natural responses to our environments and our individual way of being and adapting.  The waves of the impact of any circumstance ripple out differently in everyone.

So, a certain way of doing something may be perceived differently by each. They may not enjoy the process or agree with it the same way we do. And this reason could have a myriad of causes. Going deep within this is not possible. Maddening even. The sane thing to do would be to accept, respect and honour this difference.  That we have our own ways of doing things, and we like it that way. It's just the way it is.

It was so important for me to unlearn this pattern. Because I used to unconsciously impose my way of doing things onto others. I could feel a friction in the way that I would connect to other humans. I am thankful to be surrounded by those who in their authentic presence inspire me to be more aware of this pattern. Because of this, I now know that there is always another way to communicate and accept these differences - and connect with others authentically - meeting others with our differences.

Softening into You - An Emotional Experience

Our body is made of millions (maybe even gazillions) of neurological patterns that have shaped our behaviours, personalities, beliefs and responses. Many of these patterns are not even us. It is probably a survival mechanism or someone else's pattern. The patterns that feel good within and are expressed openly become a form of self-expression.

However, when we repress our emotions because some behavioural patterns are not considered 'good' or accepted, these get heavy and start tightening within us. These might be the points of trigger, our 'sticky' feelings. The things that defend, hide, or prefer not to share or talk about.

These patterns harden the energy in our body, and in turn, affect our physical health. Looking after our emotional health is as important as taking care of our physical and mental health.

When pursuing the softening practice, we allow the energy in our body to dissipate gradually and circulate again. It is all biochemistry, energy and physicality.

Note: I would suggest that you consider just one topic per practice. Until a few attempts, and further on you will know how to manage more.

I would recommend this practice be pursued with a trusted partner or with a psychology professional. If you are still unable to regulate your emotions on your own, you will need a trusted partner to help you through it.

The practice: Sit in a meditative pose with crossed legs. Chest and crown upright, chin parallel to the floor, neck & spine - long & neutral, and shoulders open. Place both your hands on your knees, palms facing upwards. Close your eyes. Take some soft, intentional comfortable breaths, so your body is relaxed.

Once you feel relaxed within your body, bring the topic into the forefront of your mind. It can be anything. Probably a certain quality about yourself or another person. It can be about a way a certain circumstance or a relationship with someone feels within you. Your relationship with money, your ideas about aspirations. Anything.

Keep the image of the topic in your mind. Now allow all the descriptions related to it, to come up. Notice it neutrally. Many of these descriptions can be controversial, blameful, spiteful, wrong, or rude. Whatever it is, allow it to come forth. Notice it. Be with it.

If possible, you can even describe the physicality of the topic. It can feel heavy, spiky or cloudy; the textures. Or the colours. Allow your human self to just notice everything that comes when this topic comes to mind. Give yourself the space and time to experience this topic unbound.

This experience might be like turbulence or a portal to unpacking your past stories. I have taught myself to stay grounded and to breathe through it when it gets heavy.

Once the bubbling feeling subsides, it is a sign that the tightness or heaviness might have reduced a little. Difficult feelings and emotions will never go away all at once. Sometimes they may not go away for a long time.

The point of this practice is to cultivate your capacity to be with the emotion and its awareness, instead of making it go away. Next time it shows, it will be easier to be with.

A lot of these stories are unconscious definitions, you might not even believe that you hold such and such perspective. It is revealing, and humbling. Most of all this practice teaches us to forgive ourselves in the light of darkness. It teaches us that we are in fact, only humans. 

Personally, I use this practice for everything that shows up in the day. Sometimes I allow the emotion to spend time with me. It feels loved, and happy to be. Allow it. Your emotions just want your presence. The only way out is through. 

This practice reminds me that I am the creator of my world. So if I want to change anything I don't like, I explore the source within. This allows me to get to the origins of my stories. Our perceptions are malleable. Allow yourself to open up in the face of change. 

Please share your experiences with this practice, I am curious! 

A Sense of Impulse

After practising the idea of noticing the stillness, space and trust before responding to any mind story regarding people, myself or circumstances, a new pattern was revealed to me today.

Impulsivity.

I got curious about this pattern. And I am glad that this is coming forward in its own time and space. And it had some things to tell me.

My impulsivity arises from a place to react immediately. It wants to jump to conclusions and is competitive. It wants to dictate to others that my point of view takes higher priority over theirs. A sense of 'I am right'. After describing these qualities, I am assuming that this is my primal nature. A biological lens. When we become conditioned to our natural contexts and our past experiences, our points of view solidify.

Impulsivity arises from habit. If we do not respond as per our accustomed ways, our body considers this change, a threat. So this change is dismissed, and the body is alerted. Our survival instincts are activated. So any change in our activities is met with resistance - of the existing day-to-day patterns and the desire to intentionally evolve our ways. This impulse is more about going back to our known patterns, than about the change itself.

Impulsivity is a resistance to change. It is a tendency to repeat old patterns. It is a knee-jerk reaction over a thoughtful - pause and respond.

One way I am learning to cope with these impulses is by teaching myself the idea of delayed gratification. For eg: I remind myself of the big picture. How this discipline or perseverance would contribute towards improved social connections or better habits for myself. Impulsive actions can be a source of distraction when the underlying needs of the patterns are not met. The best way is to sit with the discomfort until it passes. 

I also perceive that it's not about the impulse itself, but rather responding appropriately in the heat of the moment. An impulsive response is an integral component of our survival instinct. It's about the pause - when to act and when not to. Sometimes external circumstances might over-power our rational judgements. We need to be aware of what requires quick action, and what requires the pause before response. Especially, during those times when there is a threat to our safety. 

Just as with any of our emotions, it would be resourceful to explore our sense of impulsivity. Many times it shows up as a way of protecting us from being vulnerable. It is crucial to notice how it impacts us, and the people around us. Especially in the areas of social interactions and self-development. 

Practise new patterns. Like any skill, give it time, space, and continued practice for it to become an integral part of your behaviour. 

The Source of Love

The phrase 'Love is all you need' would aggravate me. It sounded like someone who has their life all figured out was imposing their socially trendy and curated advice on me - when all I needed was to be listened to. However now, things have changed. I can't believe an energy that has the magnitude to shift time and tide can simply be noted down in a four-letter word - 'LOVE'.

Love is the source within us. It treats us with deep compassion. It forgives us unconditionally. Within the energy of this source, we don't need to pretend. We can experience unconditional love from life, right where we are. When I consciously began channelling this source of love towards my inner (primal) self, things began shifting.

When I began responding to myself as the source of love, the unconscious barriers within me lowered their stance. There's a free energy experienced when I am not so guarded anymore. It's so much easier to trust myself, others, and the outside world now. I have never felt this way in my life. I understood that overall the only support I ever needed in my life was my own - and with this, I can face the world.

I am now feeling a whole energetic sense of unconditional and unbridled love from within. It feels like there's a fountain within that is spouting golden, shimmery love and light from within. I am happy, just to know - that even if sometimes I may feel like the world is not by my side, I undoubtedly am! 

Critical Mind: On Judgements

It is a social navigator, a natural system. It unconsciously evaluates what is good and what isn't based on past internal experiences - in terms of social acceptability. When a certain parameter is used to navigate my inner self, I will use the same judgement for my external world as well. It's not personal. It is a survival instinct, a protective mechanism. As a human, creatively aligning the natural response with the conscious thoughts helps to express the abstract experience. Humans are wired this way. This system is in place to protect us from an unwanted outcome based on past experiences.

My conscious mind allows me the space to recognize and carry forward a stillness that is available to all of us humans - our spirit. This instils a deepened trust to navigate the various spectrums of life. I used to be resentful of my critical mind. Yes, it used to be hard on me too. But after unpacking the expressionism of this pattern clarified that it is here to protect me. 

Experiencing a Sense of Security in Oneself

 A secure attachment stems from one's relationship with themselves. The ones who view the world as dark, difficult, or hostile feel this way because that is how they experience the difficult emotions in themselves. Each person's attachment or relationship with themselves stems from the early communication and safety experienced through engagement with their primary caretakers.

The beginning of being secure in oneself - is accepting their complete truth irrespective of it being labelled as good, bad or chaotic. Any particular circumstance can be interpreted in infinite ways. Each person's internal experience will always differ from one another. Knowing this, and honouring the compassion in our differences is a crucial step.

I realized that I used to function on a defensive nervous system. I perceived other people's actions as a threat to my sense of self. However - being self-aware of this and after months of inner work, I can now say that I am shifting towards a healthy, and secure nervous system.

This means now I can perceive other people's actions have a sense of individuality - meaning they do something for themselves and this has nothing to do with me. It feels so good and relieving to be detached from this way of social functioning. The way our nervous system responds to our environment or human relationships mirrors the way we perceive ourselves. The stories we perceive explain how we tend to play a part in our own suffering. Other attachment styles arise from different forms of insecurities resulting in co-dependency. A secure attachment style arises from a secure sense of self resulting in healthy inter-dependency in human relationships. 

Tuning into Nature

The minute I accepted myself as nature - I realized that everything is constantly moving and so am I. It is only the mind that perceives that our circumstances stand still because our bodies are wired to be immersed in presence. It feels good to know and consciously become nature - which is alive. Nature is not restricted to plants, animals and wildlife. It is the deep presence of aliveness and of transience. It is complete acceptance of what is. It is cycles and it is transformation in subtleties. The changes that you see overnight - are the processes that have been in progress for a long time and are invisible to the eye.

The thing about nature is that it is open, alive, allowing and spirited. It allows the complexities and conflictions to exist as is. This is why we feel so grounded and connected when we listen to our bodies or go out and experience nature. It just allows you to be and you can be whoever you want to be - which is free from any explicable expectations.

On Being Open and Free in Myself

I received an intuition recently - to be open and free in myself. This was an invitation to connect and open up to my life and myself. I perceive this to be an important threshold for my life experience. I realized that many times I would hold myself back based on my own perceptions - of my value in any circumstance.

As humans, we tend to subconsciously perceive ourselves varyingly depending on our environment, social conditioning or circumstance. These actions are a part of our primal nature. Our ancestors depended on this practice for survival - to not be excluded from their society.

I realized that behind the intention of my actions, also lies the perception of myself of it. All of these behavioural qualities are so subtle and unconscious - that we can't specifically point out the origins of it.

Maybe the leap is all it takes. To get beyond our own beliefs and values. I believe that these should only be a guiding directive instead of it being a quality we use to define ourselves. Eventually, the deepest and ultimate value lies only in me 

I just want to say that - I do not want to stop myself anymore. The chaos, the distress, the magic, the beyond and the mundane - I want to allow and experience it all. Even if it scares me, especially when it scares me. I want life to happen to me, for me. I have realized that life is all about enjoying and evolving through our human experiences. Each so minute, subtle and distinct from one another. Each with their own lessons and memories. The only truth that remains is that truth evolves. 

Deeper forgiveness allows your heart to open up in where it has shut down, or seized up. Allow yourself to be forgiven. Allow yourself to forgive. We are opening, and it is time to open more, and be driven through surrender.

On the Quest of Essential Living

I have been raised with the idea of 'earn to save'. My sister and I were taught to put most of our savings into different branches of investments. So growing up, I never knew what it felt like to splurge. We used to buy the essentials and not more. For instance, if there were jeans, I'd buy one black and one blue - not many more variations for it. This mindset has stayed with me even now. If I don't think that it is something I necessarily need, I will not buy it. However, through the years, I have learned the idea of keeping the essentials always at hand. And whenever I do get the opportunity, I will add to the collection. For instance, a curated nail polish collection, or accessories. For in this case, there's always something to mix and match - and share with others.

Having been raised with this mindset has honestly been a boon. Because it got my creative energy flowing. I never needed a ready-made set of having everything at hand. Rather it oriented me to use the items at hand and play along with the available resources. This has taught me to prioritize, my needs and be resourceful with my supplies. And I truly love that I have inculcated these qualities in my day-to-day life.

For instance - I use the parlour services limited to waxing and massages (when required). As these are services that I cannot do for myself. For other grooming purposes - such as haircuts and eyebrow shaping, I have learned to do it myself. Of course, in the beginning, it is not perfect. But eventually, it got good. I also carry out the mani-pedis at home. Because of this, I have learned to shape my nails to my preferred type and also apply nail polish to my right hand. My next goal is to learn nail art. These practices have reduced my expenditures to quite an extent. Because on a day-to-day basis, one needs to be presentable and well-groomed. What has helped me is investing in the tools required for these services. Like good scissors and comb, or a good blade for fine cutting. I also learned so many techniques of self-care, especially moisturization and self-healing. Most importantly this taught me to prioritize my needs and to explore my creativity.

Similarly, my need to eat out reduced when I started cooking at home. It saves so much on delivery costs, packaging materials, and the carbon footprint - which I have also been aware of. Cooking at home taught me to get creative with the groceries at hand. I also learned to tune the dish suitably towards my preference. I still do visit outside for good Asian cuisine or something that I can't prepare at home. But otherwise - the eating out and home deliveries have reached an all-time minimum.

These alterations have taught to me explore my interests, and hobbies and showed me what I prefer. It is also a way to honour my me-time with a pampering sesh. With the tools to play along, I had to learn to organize these spaces - without leaving back any traces of the activities. I know that a lot of our interests and hobbies have been outsourced. And once in a while it's a good break too, which I pursue as well. For me, this was a way of re-establishing a relationship with myself and getting to know my ways at intimate levels. And to be honest, it feels so special too. 

There is a book titled 'Essentialism' by Greg Mckeown. It feels exciting to find a term to connect with what you practise. To understand this topic in detail, you can refer to the book. 

Expectations

Expectation is a belief that a certain outcome is anticipated and obvious. It is a way to predict the future based on the knowns. As human beings living in a society, we tend to extend these expectations not just to circumstances but also to people. When we look at the future based on the knowns, it leaves little to chance. 

We tend to place expectations on ourselves depending on a certain external outcome - I want to run a full marathon, or I want to go sky diving. It is fine to place these expectations on ourselves, but it is important to determine for how long, and at what cost? Many times the future we have envisioned is so large, that it takes some time to become the person who can get there. But we place such unrealistic, idealistic visions on how much pressure we can take in a day that we forget to enjoy our present moment.

Expectations show up when we think that it should be something else than what it is right now. In my experience, I have learned that things never work out in my preferred timeline. It might still happen, but never in the way that I want it to be. If anything my experience has taught me the things meant for you show up when you are ready for, and not when you think are. Sometimes even when you think something is completely in your control, it isn't. You could lose it at any moment. Life truly has a way of humbling everyone.

It's good to keep an expectation in the form of goals. There will always be something to work towards because the efforts are in our control. But the minute we work toward a specific outcome from the goals - such as fame, and glory, we will always be disappointed. Because this is an externality based on so many factors. Keep on your path, and adjust as you traverse. 

A Practice to Marvel In

I have a practice that I pursue a few times a day. Or the times that I feel overwhelmed. I take a step back from whatever I am doing. Take a few deep breaths to ease into relaxation mode. Then I just go look outside the window or sit with my plants. Just see what is outside. Just noticing. Curious. Revelling. Reserving the need to label, just being present.

I don't know what it is about this practice, but it instantly calms me down. I would say it reminds me of my insignificance. In the sense that this is a mighty world, I live in - with so much that I don't know about yet and some things, no matter how much I try to navigate towards it, that I might never know about. So little that is humanly possible for me to contribute to this mortal existence. But it's out there, and it exists. It has existed before me and will continue after me. All of this just reminds me of how precious it is right here, right now - to be alive in this miraculous existence.

When I intuitively learned this practice, it reminded me of what one felt looking out at the horizon - when on a beach or in the mountains. It was mindblowing to know that this practice could be compared to these landscapes. But maybe that is what the step back is about. When we are so engrossed in our experiences, the novelty of it fades away. We forget how incredible all of it is - right here. Trust me, when I say this - but you can experience this, right in your room. Even if doesn't have a window.

I usually practise this first when I wake up, then after a workout. Then in the evening, and the last one at night. Do try this and share your experiences. 

On Being Perceived

Growing up, our actions were continuously being perceived by our primary caretakers. Their responses shaped our worldviews, behaviours, our ideas of right or wrong and our morals and ethical values. Our primal conditioning considered others' perceptions as the base of aspirations. Of course, relying on our caretakers' perception was required to make sense of our new environment.

However, after our teenage years when we learn to be individuated and begin to make sense of our differences - we learn that society already has a few pre-decided moulds about the way individuals should be. Those who still haven't cultivated self-awareness, internalize these false aspirations as their own and work towards these moulds. The people who have achieved this are considered successful, and those who do not, are not. Unfortunately, these beliefs constitute the collective consciousness - and this is passed to each other and down from generation to generation.

Thankfully, self-awareness changes the game. When we become aware that each of us is a different universal process meeting one another at the surface - we begin to assert for the multitudes. We understand that there is no one way to define anyone and that doing so contains them to our limited lens. Which is unfair to the universal process within them. People can only perceive their worlds as a result of their conditioning and personal experiences. If and only if they are willing, they can challenge their belief systems.

This is why other people's perceptions can only be relied upon with limitations. It is not the absolute reaction. Everyone's experience is distinct, so their opinions could vary vastly from one another. However, giving credit to the differences, we can always consider the suggestions from other people and apply what we believe could be a possibility.

One of the ways we use other people's perceptions against us - is by assuming others judge us through a certain lens. These assumptions are purely a false story created in our minds as a way to feel control over our external world. This is one of the ways we hurt ourselves. We can never fathom others' perception of us because it is their internal reality. Unless it is explicitly conveyed we cannot assume this perception. 

Other people's perception of you, does not have the final say about you. It is also not your business to implore it because it lies beyond your realm of control. It is not your duty to maintain their ideas of you but to allow them to deal with the experience of who you are. In the same way that you make space for others to assert their multitudes. This is why it is so important to become secure in one's sense of self. You are the only one who has the experience of being you. You are the only one who can decide what you allow into your life. Other people can only support your journey.

Other people are not objects that exist to please or even to make sense to me, nor am I entitled to justification or understanding when they do not. 

Where do I observe someone's action and promptly assume, project or make-believe that I can know and judge their heart as though my assessment of the goodness of another person's heart - and not their needs, access to resources, circumstances, maturity, fears, wound, and all the things that comprise a human experience - is the single contributing factor to their decisions?

Among the more subtle and insidious ways I objectify others is assuming that I already know them. Another is demanding that they must make sense to me, that they justify themselves to me (as though I am their source of dignity) when I perceive their difference as an inconvenience or threat. Either way, my insistence on certainty leaves no room for the personhood - the inherent, living predisposition to change - of the human I seek to fix in place, like an object in my mind. 

- James-Olivia Chu Hillman

A practice: The next time you feel triggered by someone's response, take a minute, take a pause. Use this space to re-orient. And then remind yourself that their response is their belief, it is not your reality. It has nothing to do with you. It is their territory, not yours. This helps to discern the boundaries between you and the other person. 

Detaching from the value the others place onto me, is the only true freedom! 

Energy Allowing

'Energy Allowing' happens to be a term I like. I made it up as I went while processing my new learnings. It feels like an all-energy embodiment.

By energy allowing, I mean that at any given moment, you accept and allow all of your inner (body) energy or emotions. Whether you are feeling joyful, spiteful, let down, excited or fearful even. The root of being human is joy and melancholy. When we accept the emotions that are considered happy, they expand infinitely to our light. When we accept the emotions that are considered negative, we allow to create space for them to dissipate into neutralness.

In any case, labelling any emotion contains its experience. However, describing what you are feeling through your heavy emotional experience helps to lighten it.

For example: Recently, I was feeling anxious with the onslaught of the new year. I felt so heavy because 2024 was now another year with a blank slate. It brought about so many feelings at once: excitement for the new, whether I would do well in my career, relationships, personal growth, hobbies, finances? And so many other fears. I have noticed that when I feel emotionally heavy, it is usually because I am feeling a whole range of emotions all at once.

So I began describing it step by step. 'I am feeling overwhelmed'. 'It is probably with all there is about the new year'. *feels lighter* 'It feels like I am feeling different emotions all at once'. 'I am feeling so excited for the year, but also fearful considering the unknown' *feels lighter* So this went on for a while, till I understood the origins of this experience.

When I allow my fears to hang out with me for a bit - they become familiar to me. They get easier to manage and overcome. Once you cross the threshold of an experience, you emerge to the next level. You are always going to feel a range of emotions. Most of these are also never going to make sense to you. Your emotions need your presence to be unconditionally accepted. 

Integrating our Shadows

I am feeling a deep sense of unconditional acceptance for myself. I have noticed that we abandon ourselves when we feel or experience the slightest bit of inconvenient emotions. We act through our clouded emotions, instead from the seat of clear consciousness. Any sense of judgement that shows up to disconnect with ourselves should first be accepted. Then should be treated with the utmost sense of curiosity, and finally tend to with compassion, and unconditional grace.

Sometimes we get anxious to accept what is. The anxiousness is stemmed from 'what should be' instead of 'what is'. It creates a great sense of inner turmoil. But this action is exactly what it takes to liberate one to the next step. What if this moment is exactly the way it is supposed to be? What if I didn't have to change anything right now? What if this right now is divine perfection? Would you give yourself the unconditional grace to accept this?

Clear Consciousness - Clarity and Re-set

Today I was reading an article on philosophy. It was on how emptying out our stories can connect us to the truth. And this got me thinking. Clear consciousness is the pure, absolute truth. A space of non-judgement. It is the seat of pure power and truth. It is the root of creation. Just like waves on the beach shore, clear consciousness is ever available. A unconditional source of divine love, with each breath. It is on us to keep pursuing this pure source, as our companion along our life story. It is the space of anything, everything and nothing.

All of our disconnect with our true source lies in our self-perception - beginning with comparison. Jealousy, envy, fear, anxiety, cringe, embarrassment everything. When we label something, it means that we are attached to a circumstance that we consider to be real.

Clear consciousness is the pause, the stillness. A place of possibilities. A place of surrender. A place where the storyline shifts. The point of pivot. A space of unconditional and loving response. There is nothing to do - except to trust, surrender and flow with the energy of it.   

 

On Abandonment Wounds

I had a revelation today. My abandonment wounds were never about others leaving me. It was about me abandoning me. All through my life, I was so invested in cultivating others' trust concerning me, that I neglected myself along the way. Everything was externally oriented - my goals, my outlook. I was easily swayed by other peoples' opinions of me - about my decisions, my likes, my dislikes, my priorities - that I thought that I had to justify myself or my ideas so I make sense. The truth was that I never had to make sense. I just had to accept and honour that my needs and preferences were different from what was conditioned into me or that was presumably socially accepted. The truth is, that our mind believes everything that we say to ourselves. The mind is like a child. It is not selective. It accepts our responses as our subconscious truth.

Ever since I have become internally oriented, I have had to re-train my beliefs and thinking patterns from juncture to juncture. Everything about myself that I had believed should be blamed or are bad, are the same things that I have now decided to honour. This truly was my breakthrough. There was nothing to point as faults, rather, everything to nurture into virtues. Today, I am feeling so thankful to have passed through this threshold and have truly revealed a part of me that I have wanted as a guiding light all along!

It feels so good to believe in me. To know that everything that I am experiencing matters in my subjective world. And now all I got to do, is to be with me - when I am scared, terrorized, and alone. Accepting the whole truth of me, makes me love all of me! Dear Sanjana, their rules are not your reality. Colour outside the lines. They do not exist. You do! I love you most!  

On the Idea of Progress

The idea of progress has opened up a transformed meaning in my new era. Progress for me means a step up in the direction of the person you are becoming. When you are involved in the process, progress can take any direction and teach you so many things that you didn't even think possible. It's a multi-directional approach. When you give yourself the permission to grow and evolve by any means necessary, the universe sets you up for the test. Do not be afraid of this challenge. Because this is the Universe giving you a chance to reveal who you are.

Everyone's progress can take different forms and it never looks like one another's. Lately, for me, progress has been about unlearning the conditioned patterns that have been holding me back, challenging these beliefs and shifting them to align with my sense of being. It has been about showing up every day with a heart full of trust, without knowing where this journey is taking me.

It has been about surrendering to the journey of my life and allowing this inherent life force energy to lead me through my days. Despite the not knowing, it feels right. Because there feels a sense of order in the chaos. I also feel like I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be. I feel so in touch with my own life - nothing else makes sense.

In the bouts of the unknown, remember the only constant in this journey is you. So why not take a chance on you, and see where this journey leads you?

Judgements, Criticism and their Limitations

Why do we create internally draining emotions when someone has what we want?

When we compare ourselves with others, we make our inner world believe that they have it better than us. We put them on a pedestal. Creating a negative story about them allows our brain to 'rightfully' experience them in a negative light. However, watering someone's life to make it digestible for us is just another trait of a superiority complex. Our insecurities ride this wave so high that the only way we can meet others is by putting them down.

When I consciously decided to no longer judge others - a large part of me felt free and relieved. Judging someone without knowing them is a characteristic trait of a scarcity mindset. We limit others for our experience and this is tiresome. It keeps us away from real and meaningful human connections. It is exhausting to keep making these definite unconscious assumptions when we don't even know them personally. No one can be limited to a singular lens. All of us humans and our life experiences exist in spectrums.

We need to be mindful about not belittling anyone's life experience. We do not know the internal battles that they have fought to get where they are. No one's life is squeaky clean or shiny as it looks. No one knows about the others' struggles unless they have been expressed. Critical judgments can show up because of the internal pain - of not having met oneself.

When I am no longer judging someone through my critical lens, a space opens up - to be. For curiosity. A space for getting to know one another and probably making connections that could have an everlasting impact on one's life. It also creates a space of discernment. Between oneself and the other individual - highlighting the otherness. 

I no longer want to judge anyone anymore. It makes me believe that I know them fully, when in reality you can never know another fully as you know yourself. Doing this allows me to let down my guard and create a space of interaction for two individuals. I no longer pretend to know them in a hostile sense. Rather I would be curious to ask them about themselves - so THEY can tell about themselves. In the same way, I share about myself when they ask me. It feels like this is making space for new energy to come in. And I am thrilled to experience this shift.  

On Balance

Today I practised a yoga sequence - on balance. I used to believe that balance is that perfect, little sweet spot of different entities coming together at their definite measures. I used to think that these measures would have to be the same throughout. But through the practice, I recognized that balance emerges through flow. These entities can be at variable measures - however yes, in a while meet the sweet spot.

Balance is not about staying at a centred point. It doesn't mean stagnation at one perfect point. It is about exploring, playing, moving around and shifting. It's about surrendering to the natural high and low tides of our lives and trusting that we'll eventually learn to support ourselves through the chaos. Balance emerges from this experience.

This is how we can give ourselves permission to allow our entirety. This is when we can truly experience our natural sense of balance. Throughout our lives, we are constantly shifting between the dark and light. The balance of darkness and light within us is what creates peace and stillness.

Balance is a sense of experientially cultivated centredness and peak stillness within us. In a universe that is transient and temporary, we can learn to surf through the flows and natural rhythms of our lives when we are connected to ourselves and trust that the peak balance is revealed to us. 

My Word for the Year 2024: Uninhibitedness

I have lived my life through an unconscious restraint, not knowing the beginnings of this. After the last post - I decided to keep a vision for the year in one word - Which is Uninhibitedness. It means to go or to flow irrespective.

• To live with no restraints!
• It is coming across a set of unknowns, but moving through it anyway.
• It means recognising my blocks but not allowing them to stop me from leading me towards what I want.
• To recognize my existence as a living being, not as a transactional experience.
• There will always be something to be afraid of - but not letting it stop me.
• Knowing that there WILL be blocks along the way. So to address them in the moment and go forward through it.
• A reminder that what I am asking for is not too much - it's the collective voice that makes me afraid of pursuing the path.
• I could be wrong about an experience, but I would like to explore it before I decide.
• There was nothing to stop me in the first place, except me!
• I can explore and navigate the unknown because I believe in myself.
• Other people's opinions are NOT my reality. If it is a natural calling I also have the determination to follow through.
• The blocks are simply learned patterns which can be unlearned. The blocks are a spiritual illusion.
• The fear in me is a natural response according to past experience. It is not the reality of my present.
• Life can take me in any direction. So I must be willing to shed my belief systems. Do not be afraid. This discomfort is a part of the growth experience.
• My soul is unrestrained, my soul is my limit and my expanse.

Excited to witness new perspectives and the experiences life reveals for me. Deepest Gratitude! 

Softening into my Raw Expression

The first word that comes to my mind is 'to tenderize'. However, this is in the context of my being. I want to break down my limits. I want to be able to gently wear down the rigidity of my conditioned beliefs, nervous system responses, and assumptions and perceptions of myself through other's lens

I never had anyone regulate my emotions. My mother was so focused on her own pain that I experienced dismissal of every emotion that I was going through. It was only through other relationships that I learned what it means to be with someone's pain. And I am so thankful to learn this.

Lately, I have been so focused on sitting with my pain without judging it. My inner child feels safe to be nowadays. Now I am learning to sit with my inner teenager. I never got the chance to grow through this phase. If anything, I am so grateful that I get to re-parent myself - from a place of responsibility, accountability, and a sense of individuality. I feel so proud of my conscious self who is learning and unlearning generational, familial and collective pain and limitations.

I would like to continue this sense of small shifts - because I am feeling the momentum now. The sense of inner freedom that I receive in moments of choices and soul-led guidance. I want to express myself naturally and become whatever growth comes from it. I am not the source of my familial pain. However, I am the source of my inner strength. Everything I do is a reflection of me, not of others. Because I am an individual, not the collective. I can only contribute toward the collective. This is my role.

Overall this year I am gonna be focused on just being with my being. I accept my desires and nudges as something that is genuinely true for me and navigate towards this guiding light. Others' life stories are theirs, not mine. There is never a comparison, and I strive to recollect this in moments when I forget.

I am so excited to become whatever comes from my natural expression, and process. My raw primal self is a gift that is revealed to me, in everyday practises. When I listen to my intuition. And discern - what surely is mine, and what isn't. 

Notes to Self

I have always admired Alok Menon. I admire their sense of style and natural expression. They advocate the freedom of self-expression beyond any boundaries. Their way of words and expression is my inspiration. I hope to truly embody the sense of freedom and liberation that I have learned from them. 

They posted a series of New Year resolutions, through the years beginning from 2017. Being an ardent admirer of their articulated language, I decided to note those pointers that I can learn from. I also added some of my own to the list. 

• Nothing can 'legitimize' my feelings. These just are. My sense of allow-ness lets them be and express whatever they want to be. I don't need to define them. But I definitely learn to communicate with them.
• Recognize that others are living their own subjective reality. We all are distinct stars in the universe. Incomparable. You don't know others' internal lived or felt experience.
• Noticing when I operate from a place of conditioning and other times from a place of choice.
• Believing that everyone has an infinite capacity for transformation - including me!
• Honouring limitations and constraints. Many times circumstances cannot be explained - so just allow them to be. Make space for it.
• Honour the stillness in presence and pause.
• Finding immensity in the insignificance
• Rediscovering symphony in solitude.
• Insist of reciprocity. Leave when it is unrequited. (even when it hurts)
• The soul is infinite - your body is not. Recognizing this is a gift.
• Dream beyond binaries. Assert your multitudes!
• Need everyone harder. There are no strangers. Just potential friends.
• Recognize your worth and your pain beyond their ability to be aestheticized.
• Fight for the people that you are and the people that you love.
• Bear the consequences of your authenticity. You were afraid of this. See where the consequence takes you. Don't be afraid. Believe that you can take it! And you will. I believe in you, and I am with you.
• Their ugly is your beauty. Their messy is your magnificent. Their brokenness is your becoming. Notice what happens when you don't follow your need to define anything. You make space for these entities to be whatever they need to be with their own sense of expression.
• Grieve it all! Everything deserves a funeral.
• My bigness/ weirdness/ not okayness is THEIRS to deal with!!!!
• Ambition beyond recognition. Defy easily consumable narratives. Be gnarly and RUTHLESSLY INDIGESTIBLE!
• Conformity is not community. Be yourself even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.
• You are a contradiction. It is the most human thing to be.
• Be as fluent in the language of injury as complicity: embrace simultaneity in everyone and everything.
• There are many ways to be as there are people in the world.
• Care, but do not mistake fixing other people as fixing yourself
• Don't confuse the way you have come to live as the only way to live. Remain open to the universe inviting you to shift.
• Run into the flames, never forget: we have been taught to fear the very things that have the potential to set us free.
• Remain porous through the pain. A broken heart is an invitation. There is space here.
• Your life is the greatest romance. So, speak roses. Every conversation is a ceremony.
• Amidst repair, harvest hope. wear it like an heirloom.
• become indelible - linger in everything that you touch.
• natural and reality are political aesthetics. birth new worlds. every pattern can be unwoven.
• language is bewitching. but do not mistake talking about the thing as doing the thing. don't talk about it, embody it.
• comparison is creativity's curse. genius is the ability to orbit elsewhere. imagine otherwise.
• surrender to your insignificance and find your magic there!
• there are far more worthy pursuits than being liked - like being.
• not all knots need to be untied. you are not for everyone. you are for you. how devastating. how gorgeous.
• their fear is not your own. (fear is a believed conditioning, an illusion)
• authenticity is an orientation. not a destination. live many lives - each as true as the last.
• love people for who they are - not what you think they should be.
• some words and worlds do not exist yet. Make them up.
• Design murals for all the miracles. Paint them in every conversation. Make hope contagious.
• Have the compassion to break your own heart. what you thought kept you safe - didn't.
• You are so much more than your pain. Reacquaint yourself with your pleasure. it gets to be easy.
• Self-neglect is not a virtue. Love is about becoming, not betraying yourself.
• Judgement is more about your armour than their actions. You cannot save people from themselves. You, however, get to be free!
• Trying is a synonym for living (not just for existing)
• Fear is inherited, and courage is inherent.
• GO ROGUE! Outgrow the story about yourself!
• What if you were someone worthy of being, not doing? Play pretend. See what happens!
• Cherish the belittled, the discarded, the deliberately suppressed, and the unremarkable. Know your worth beyond the collective ideals. 
• 'I am' and 'What Is'  are the most beautiful poems written ever. Live there. There is majesty in the mundane. 
• The soul exceeds the body. We is more than you and I. The sum is always greater than the parts.
• You cannot reason your way out of fear. That is why we have love. 
• Be an ambassador for compassion. 'Where are you from?' 'The Heart'.  
• Everything is constantly becoming. Including you. Have the might to admit that there's a possibility that you can change your mind. 
• Don't mistake rules for reality. Colour outside the lines. They do not exist. You do. 
• Contradiction is often an obstacle to truth. You can be both. 
• Become fluent in everything that makes you want to live. 
• Shame lives in should. Swap guilt with grace. 
• Explore your sense of wonder often. 
• The chasm between 'what if', and 'what is' is trying. Trying: a synonym for being human. 
• Heaven is a practice, not a promise. Why wait? Build it here, now. 

On Experiencing Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.

1Corinthians 13

Love is embodiment. Love is compassion. It is softness and forgiveness. Love is allowing, and it is unconditional grace. Love means to look beyond your definitions of what you thought Love should be. It does not contain. Love is free-flowing and experiential. It is momentous and eternal. Love is the stillness, and it is the space. Love is a deep sense of presence and trust. Love harnesses your darkness into fierce strength and expression. Love sees, it does not dictate. It is pure and nurturing. Love is remembering that there's more to what meets the eye. Love means to deeply belong to yourself and to extend that expression towards everyone else around you. Love means to remember who you truly are beyond others' limited perception of you. It is not an outcome, it is a process. It is transcendental. It is to look beyond the lens of expectation, perfection or need. 

Love is not transactional. Love is the freedom to just be. It means to be firmly rooted in your feet. Love is unconditional acceptance of what is. Love does not judge, decide or determine. Love allows natural expression and progression. Love is undefined. We are not meant to understand love, rather, just experience it.