I have been experiencing tremendous grief for the past few weeks. For all the times that I had to resort to controlling life experiences that were beyond my comprehension.
I have always felt that I have to be ready for everything. To be quick to respond. But for what? Did I ever know what lay ahead? Does something really need a quick reaction? Is everything really that urgent to know?
Why did I ever come to believe that I have to know everything? And so what if I didn't? When life is simply a range of unknown experiences. No matter your choices based on your beliefs, the outcome is always unknown.
Maybe it is that I like to assume that being self-sufficient is my strength. But it is my weakness. On the contrary, allowing myself to be bare with others is a sign of good health. I wish I had known this before. You will never have the capacity to fulfil all of your needs, on your own. Humans were made to relate with one another. This relationship is exactly what keeps humankind connected.
Now I wonder why I had wasted my time controlling the outcomes and limiting my life experiences. Whenever I was driven by control or my story, my anxiety increased. But when I am driven by surrender, I am intuitively guided. As if something is taking such good care of me.
Surrender meant that when I gave up something, never meant that I lost something. It was a willing offering. It was about letting go of an attachment towards an outcome or a belief.
At this point, I just wanna lead my experiences by laying it all out on the line. It feels good that I will no longer have to lose my energy to control. This decision feels so relieving. It feels like this is the beginning of reclaiming all the energy that I had unconsciously lost by attempting to control an external circumstance.
The wisdom I received from this experience was to show up in my capacity. Each moment is a different experience, and I can never predict the process, timeline or outcome of this.
My capacity is not a measure open for judgment, opinions, negotiation or criticism. Each moment is my teacher and an opportunity for my spiritual growth. I have learned that one can direct their life to the best of their capacities. And this has nothing to do with a collective ideology.
If anything at all, my experiences taught me just how precious my emotions are. And it is a divine blessing to be intuitively guided by them at each step. This is a sacred connection and I will forever convey the deepest gratitude for the lessons as I navigate through my life. There was nothing to hide in the first place :)
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