Honing the Capacity to Hold Ourselves and Others

I have always liked the idea of making space for our emotions. Initially, I related it to the examples from nature and my daily rituals that held space for me (or us, collectively).

For instance, my journal gave me the space to spill all of my thought processes. The order, accuracy and correctness of my thoughts didn't matter. What mattered is that I got space to spillover all the energy that existed in me. It didn't require me to curate or embellish anything. I could be raw, messy and disorienting. My journal made space for my contradictions to exist rightfully. With no judgements. 

Similarly, the sea shore has always inspired me. The waves never had to weaken their intensity. They could be still, gently flowing or loudly crashing. Eventually, the shore could somehow contain the extents of the mighty ocean.

I could state more examples. My yoga or exercise mat that allowed me to progress physically and mentally. "Train like a beast, to look like a beauty", my role model, Cassey Ho of Blogilates fame had said.

My friends, who have been present in my transience. Holding space for me as became whoever I needed to be. And even the humble ground (or soil), which I consider the likeness of our consciousness - we reap what we sow. Through patience, nurture, love and tender care.

It's something about the holding or absorbing qualities of these elements which have not only been the foundation of my growth as an individual, but also inspires me to be a person with these qualities.

Holding space for someone means that we make space for their vulnerability. As humans, we can usually only handle the emotions that we're familiar with. Everyone's life experiences are intricately unique and distinct from each other, that we all have different emotional capacities that is contain-able by us.

Holding space for others also means that we recognize that our truths are different. However, by making space, we are being present with others' pain or disorienting experience.

This teaches us that even if our feelings or emotions don't make sense, they matter. It makes way for our sense of belonging to emerge. When we say we're holding space for someone, it means that we're making space for their incomprehensible and abstract emotional experience.

A Practice:

We can also practise holding space for ourselves. For instance, when I enter a freeze mode in response to an unconscious trigger, I first make a note of this. I tell myself "I am feeling triggered right now, and I am unable to navigate towards a neutral response".

Being aware of this, is the first step to soothe yourself. Whenever you feel dysregulated, never jump to regulate yourself. See if your emotions are ready to be dysregulated. Sometimes our emotions just need some time be in the flare up. And that's okay.

The cup is a representation of your capacity

When I feel ready to explore beneath, I imagine a cup of tea which is over flowing. The over flow represents the emotions that I am unable reign control of.

Once I clearly see this overflow, I allow it convey its worry. I sit with a journal or a digital notepad to note down the points.

This is a practice on "shining light" on your unconscious (usually, resisting) patterns. Once it's brought to light, it is integrated into your body. Depending on the characteristic, it can do so immediately, or after a few days, once you've got time to process the truth. Then from here on, you can work with emotionally developing it.

Being a space that can hold or contain something requires us to constantly re-imagine our capacities. This doesn't mean that we have to face what we're not ready for. It just means that we get to decide what we can make space for and the extent of it.

Sometimes, when we make space for others, our own triggers can emerge. At this point, we get to decide our boundaries and limit the interaction. And that's okay.

Having said that, you can be there for others just to an extent. Relationships are a two-way street. You can provide unconditional support to an extent. Not all the time.

As humans, we are limited to our natural capacities. But the fact that we tried. That in itself is commendable.