How I overcame my Inner Demons

One of my previous posts, titled "A Cry for Help!" was written during a really depressive phase I was going through, that lasted more than a couple of months.

And today, finally, I suddenly had this need to share it.

I was depressed for probably over a year. All I wanted to do, was sleep. Waking up was a huge task. Because what was the point of waking up anyway? And when you're going through it, even the most amazing days seem to have a grey cloud hovering over it, constantly reminding you that life's not all a bed of roses, and soon it'll rain again.

And the toughest part about this is that, I didn't want to get better, although I knew very well what I was going through. I was hurting really bad and had got so used to it, that even after the 5 minute streak of happiness, I'd go into my dark phase in no time. I had got really accustomed to the feeling. I didn't want to get out of my comfort zone.

Depression is very quiet, and anybody can fall a victim to it.

And people who are victims to it, generally do not like to share it with anyone. Instead, whenever they go outside into the world, they put on the biggest smile that they have, and flaunt it out to the world, that their life is all good and hunky dory. And when others see them, they cannot even guess what's going on behind that evergreen smile.

The only person who is surely able to detect this is not anyone, but you yourself. And this is because disguising it so much better than talking to anyone about it. And the more happier and cheerful, the lesser they'll know.

There were recurring suicidal thoughts, and not to mention countless failed attempts. And also a number of panic attacks. After a while, nothing matters. Not one thing. You start getting detached to all kinds of emotions. You don't understand what's the difference between being happy or sad, or being angry even, because it all feels the same.
But then, one fine day, you'll reach a breaking point and snap. And my God, do you break.

I've read we must talk to someone about it, but to be honest, this isn't the solution. Because no one can actually fully understand what you're going through. And to be honest, a lot of people do not take this seriously. They say, it'll get better. But then, that kind of assurance isn't what's needed at all. And when you see that people don't understand, it'll just add on more to the emotional baggage, and you feel like a wreck for bringing it up.

But what's really important is that you have patience. You must have belief that one day, everything will be okay.

Have patience with everything, and most importantly, have patience with yourself.

And soon enough, you'll realise that being, depressed won't take you anywhere. Your world is a standstill whereas everyone else is moving forward.

And these kind of thoughts slowly start pushing you out of your shell.

I needed more than one hand to count how many times that I thought, I might end it all.
And these are the times that I thank God that not all of my prayers were answered.

How I got through/ still getting through it :

Being sad and depressed won't really take me anywhere, it won't help me accomplish my goals that I'd set for myself.

I realised my passion for music and pushed to start over.

I changed my negative thoughts to positive thoughts. And most importantly always saw the positives in the worst scenarios. And this isn't just for one day. You need to push yourself to make an effort to change your thoughts to good and happy thoughts. Because, what you think, is what you will be.

I started writing about what exactly I was feeling. Each and every thought that came into my mind. And after that, I'd feel a kind of release. And soon after I'd delete them (Phone notes). It would feel as though I've deleted all the negative energy.

As music once again, was my means of escape and I'd sing out really loud and soon feel better. Trust me this works! It may feel temporary, but sure enough, the feeling stays.

I also started learning a language that I've always wanted to learn, but never got the opportunity to. 

I kept a to do list and kept myself as busy as I could. 

I started working out, and eating right. Although that's on a pause right now, it's played a major role in getting better.

Never ever depend on others for anything. You want something? Get it done on your own. It's better than being let down by someone you thought wouldn't.

And most importantly, I started counting my blessings and realised that I'm so blessed to have good health and an amazing family, and the basic "roti-kapda-makaan", and soon, I started being thankful and grateful to God for a lot of things.
Also, start accepting yourself. Embrace yourself. Unless you respect yourself, you can't expect others to do the same to you. Appreciate the smallest of the small things, and it's only then that you can completely and wholly appreciate the big things.

Cry. Keep going until you feel a little bit better. You're going to be super depressed if you don't yet. But just hang on, it's going to be super tough. Trust me. I wouldn't want to wish it upon anyone. But I can't say 'stay strong' because you feel weak in every possible way. Mentally, emotionally and physically. But you gotta tell yourself that everything is going to be okay. Not tonight, nor tomorrow nor the next month or anytime soon. Venting out the frustration is necessary, and the more you hold in, the more it's going to hit you as the time passes. I would cry myself to sleep every night and wake up tired and empty the next morning. 

I have been depressed, and now I've written about it too. I've learned that leaning on to others is not always an option, because after a certain time, they may get irritated, and that may just add fuel to the depression and to most importantly focus on the betterment on the personal well being.

The depression I'd gone through was terribly physical to the extent that I didn't even feel like moving, or for that matter, I'd feel really tired even after a heavy 12 hour sleep. 

Depression was like this warm cozy blanket, that I was really comfortable under. I hid under it for so many months and it was necessary that some day, I get out of it. Also, I started realising what depression was doing to me, and this was probably the reason why I healed even more.

Everyone who's been depressed may say that, it was not how they wanted to feel like. But to be honest, looking back to the time I was depressed, that was exactly what I wanted to feel at the time. 

And getting enough motivation to get through the depressive phase can be extremely difficult, but it's well worth it!

And on that note, here's a very well known and a very beautiful song. 

You're Beautiful - James Blunt :)